I remember wonderful summer days doing this very same thing with my sons when they were little. Each of us excitedly vying to be the next to find a really cool cloud. Laying here makes me drowsy and I let my mind float back in time. I drift away...slowly....with a small smile curving my lips.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
During the darkness, before the doctors and God recreated me, I could find no relief from the torture of my traitorous body. Unable to walk, to wheel, to move I sank into a dark depression trying to will myself to die and failing miserably. I was denied what I craved most. An eternal end to the mental and physical suffering.
Thrust against my will into the world of the living, surviving, the recovering, I grew angry. Angry with God, angry with circumstances, angry with myself. That anger got me nowhere. Eventually I entered a state of resignation. I resigned myself to fighting my way back. Apparently God wasn't done baking me yet.
Day by day I forced myself to get up, get moving. It was hard to do trapped in a body I didn't recognize. My physical self had betrayed me. It was no longer ME. Not the me I'd known all my life. The me that was physically fit, active 24/7, energetic...this new physical self had lost tone. The muscles had collapsed on impact. The bones no longer worked as they used to work. I cried over the loss.
Unable to find relief from pain I began to experiment. Doctors remedies weren't doing the job. In my incapacitated state I had plenty of time to lay around and research. Experimenting was more challenging, but it drove me, carrying through those dark days. And then, at the edge of the darkness I saw a light.
I packaged up some bath items that I thought would help soothe him and shipped them off. Thus formed an ongoing relationship that has helped me on my own journey back. It's truly amazing that such a huge gift could come in the form of such a small person.
(Christopher's mom, Lynn, is an ebay seller, Blue Diamond Products. It was on ebay that we first encountered one another and I am forever blessed in having met her and Christopher, albeit, it was all online. They may never know the huge impact they have had on my life....)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I flew into the dental office like Marie Laveau, hair streaming wildly behind me, eyes flashing sparks of pain, long nailed fingers pressed harshly against my mouth.
Amidst the dentists curses and mumbling I wondered if they were feeling fear...Mentally I was zapping them into hellfire. Grrreeee! ANOTHER MAN DONE GONE!
Now, a couple of Lortab later I sit here typing, one eye swelled shut and the entire right side of my face marching in time to native drums. Lortab inspires inertia and my fingers drag along the keyboard.