Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Letting go of the rope

I repress alot of emotions.  Emotions that lay boiling just beneath the surface sometimes waiting to explode.

Nearly 5 years ago I was a healthy, vibrant, physical, energetic and successful woman.  A woman who was sure of herself, who knew what she wanted and could obtain anything she set out to acquire.  A woman without doubts, without fears, without limitations.

At that point in time, I'd made some major changes in my life and was excited about starting over again, about still being young and healthy enough to do so.  In the blink of an eye, all that changed.
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Nearly 5 years ago a little girl lost her life and I was left shaking my fist at the sky screaming "Why? Why?" 

Though the accident was no fault of my own, the guilt I lived with (that she died and I didn't) wounded the very soul of me.  Before, my mind was a peaceful place.  Suddenly it became tormented with nightmares.  I'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night,  reduced to a mass of helpless tears.

I'd look at my body, a body then unrecognizable to me, and I'd shudder.  And then...then  I'd remember the little girls body when rescue teams pulled her from the wreckage.  Over and over my mind  replayed the sight of paramedics gently straightening her twisted little arms and  legs, smoothing the hair back from her brow.

I'd see the tears in a rescue workers eyes as my subconscious mind registered the mechanical whine of the jaws of life working to free her mother.  I'd see the little girl's eyes slitted open but unseeing.  I knew she was gone as soon as I saw her but at the time Image and video hosting by TinyPicwas too numb with shock to cry... my mind recoiling from the reality of death.  That was the one and only time I would ever see her but I will never forget her.

You'd think I would have been grateful that my life was spared. Back then I wasn't able to find that place of gratitude.  I felt sorrow for a young mother who had lost her daughter and would spend the rest of her days without her.  My heart cried for that mother, knowing she would never see her little girl grow up, finish school, marry, have a family of her own.  Of holidays missed, her first kiss.

I grieved too, for the teenage boy who had just graduated high school the night before and had a promising life stretched out before him.  His life would be forever changed by one tragic moment in time. By one error in judgement. 

Such thoughts defeated me. 

Back then I raged over the fact that I'd become as helpless as a baby where before I'd never needed anybody to do anything for me. I couldn't crawl, walk or wheel myself around.  I was angry  that I couldn't turn back time and undo it all somehow.  Perhaps change my schedule, drive a different route... I was filled with "what ifs".  What if I hadn't gone to the store first thing that morning.  What if I had left a little later.  What if I'd been in the other lane.  What if....

I hated the "thing" that I'd become, because it wasn't the person I was.  And I was scared. More scared than I had ever been in my life. Scared that I might not get any better. Scared I'd be trapped in a body I no longer recognized as my own. Scared that the horror of that morning would always arise at night to fill my dreams. I was trapped in my own personal hell.

I despised the weakenesses that kept me from being able to care for myself, do my own laundry, feed my pets, clean my house, wash my clothes, run, jump and laugh. I hated the body that seemed to have betrayed me.  I detested the fact that I could no longer find peace in prayer when prayer had always been my strength. I was angry at God. 

But that was all nearly  five years ago.  To be continued....


  1. I'll be reading. I lived through this with my son. It is a very scary world.

  2. Judy, it truly is. What we DO with that fear is what matters in the end. Great to see you btw :-)

  3. So many heavy, raw emotions. The weight of the world.

  4. Although i know this story i am sat here with a big lump in my throat and speechless for hurts my heart to know of the pain that mum must still be going through,and for your pain to. i know your heart cj and i know you will never forget that little angel but i also know you are strong and have faith,God knows you stood by me and others in times of sorrow,need and when we needed comfort.
    i love you hun xxx

  5. sorry it was posted anon for some reason xxx ada xxx

  6. It is so hard to find the gratitude in certain situations. It is so hard to see the sense or reason. It's even harder to believe there's a plan. But to those of us who have been given more time God begins to show us in little bits and pieces and in time maybe we'll understand it all.

    Thank you for expressing so well such a personal and painful experience. I'll be here to read the rest.

  7. Im forever thankful that God spared your life . I can't imagine a life without you in it . Your wit and sense of humor that keeps us all . Your Love of life and family ...Your ultimate Love of the Lord , the one that saved your life that day . My heart aches for the woman who lost her child ....not by God , but by decisions made by others and their actions . She is at peace with the Lord and will one day reunite with her mother in heaven . Until then , I know it wont erase your pain , your memories or the sorrow in your heart . But dont forget there are so many here that Love you and wouldn't know life without you . I Love you sis ....


  8. Thanks to each of you for your kind comments. You're all such lovely, LOVING, beautiful people and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. If I could I would reach out and hug every one of you right this moment...and show you just how grateful I have become for this new lease on life. God is GREAT!

  9. Wow. Just, wow. I am in awe of your bravery - Bravery in enduring what you did... bravery in telling your story... bravery in continuing on. Most people never experience anything like this. Thank you for sharing it. I can't imagine how difficult it is to do so.

  10. What a heart wrenching event you had to go through! I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story. Stories like these remind us how precious our lives really are.
    There are things in our lives that happen that we don't understand but now you are stronger even though it may not seem like it. I believe that God understands when we are angry with him. It is through weakness that we seek him out.
    You are forever changed but you are also forever loved by God and all the beautiful people who are there for you in your life.

  11. Schmee, I'm not so sue it was a matter of bravery as much as it became an unquenchable desire to LIVE. Sharing WAS difficult, there's much I held back, but it's also a catharsis and allows me to continue to move forward while letting go. Thanks so much for stopping, reading and commenting. I admire your writing and am now following you as well.

    Thank you Mrs. DCS RN. I've never known any pain quite like the pain experienced with this event. It was a very dark place in my I prefer NOT to revisit. Bringing it out in the light of day allows me to exorcise those things that haunt me at night. I agree with you that there are things in our life we don't understand, but what we LEARN from those events can be profound. I am daily grateful for God's love and forgiveness. He has been the beacon that keeps guiding my feet. Thank you for visiting my blog. I'm now on my way to return the favor.

  12. CJ, I don't go onto Twitter much anymore as I no longer sell on the web; but have for the last 2 days. Today I stumbled upon your blog as there has always been a wonderful energy that drew me to you.
    Sometimes Gods lessons just plain suck, but one thing is for sure; what ever lessons you learned from this very painful experience, it has certainly allowed you to pour out many blessings and much love to every life you touch.
    Thank You for always bringing a smile to my heart.
    Mama Cyd

  13. Mama Cyd, it's ALWAYS such a pleasure to see you! I certainly hope you won't be a stranger now that we've managed to reconnect! And now there' so many things I'd like to say to you and I'm without words lol. Let me just say I'm very, VERY glad to see you!

  14. Jeannie, you have amazed me since you were very young and with each year that passes, you amaze me only more. Your heart, your intelligence, your will, your faith. My dear, there is STILL nothing, and I mean NOTHING that you cannot, and will not over come. You are your Mother's daughter, you ARE the epitome of strength and resilience. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and your whole life has been one episode after another of "It should have killed you" and I'm darned glad it didn't!
    I love you girl!

  15. Victoria, this is one of those occasions I'm truly speechless...I'm flattered, honored and humbled by your words. I love you too! ((hug))

  16. This is beautifully written. I relate to a lot of it...especially the 'what ifs' that can make a person go crazy. You may have already heard of this book, but you might like "Half a Life" by Darin Strauss. Thanks for sharing this with us.

  17. Wow CJ! I sympathize and understand how you feel. My wife and I are going through many physical trials right now which are going to require surgeries unless God intervenes and heals us.

    Quoting a Michael Card song, "Sometimes questions tell us more than answers ever do." It has been my experience that God wants us to go through these trials and even throw a temper tantrum or two at His expense. But that is what I believe he wants us to do otherwise we'll never come to the understanding He intends for us to have.

    Thank you for this post and I look forward to more.

    Daniel L Carter
    Author of The G-6 Chronicles

  18. Daniel I appreciate you stopping by and commenting. I firmly believe if life brought us to it, God will get us through it. Please keep me updated on your physical trials. Sorrow shared is half the shared is twice the joy. I'd love to be here for you and your wife.