During the darkness, before the doctors and God recreated me, I could find no relief from the torture of my traitorous body. Unable to walk, to wheel, to move I sank into a dark depression trying to will myself to die and failing miserably. I was denied what I craved most. An eternal end to the mental and physical suffering.
Thrust against my will into the world of the living, surviving, the recovering, I grew angry. Angry with God, angry with circumstances, angry with myself. That anger got me nowhere. Eventually I entered a state of resignation. I resigned myself to fighting my way back. Apparently God wasn't done baking me yet.
Day by day I forced myself to get up, get moving. It was hard to do trapped in a body I didn't recognize. My physical self had betrayed me. It was no longer ME. Not the me I'd known all my life. The me that was physically fit, active 24/7, energetic...this new physical self had lost tone. The muscles had collapsed on impact. The bones no longer worked as they used to work. I cried over the loss.
Unable to find relief from pain I began to experiment. Doctors remedies weren't doing the job. In my incapacitated state I had plenty of time to lay around and research. Experimenting was more challenging, but it drove me, carrying through those dark days. And then, at the edge of the darkness I saw a light.
I packaged up some bath items that I thought would help soothe him and shipped them off. Thus formed an ongoing relationship that has helped me on my own journey back. It's truly amazing that such a huge gift could come in the form of such a small person.
(Christopher's mom, Lynn, is an ebay seller, Blue Diamond Products. It was on ebay that we first encountered one another and I am forever blessed in having met her and Christopher, albeit, it was all online. They may never know the huge impact they have had on my life....)